My part to change an imperfect world - Spreading the word about ADHD

ABC 20/20 story April 2012

Back in April I saw a 20/20 story about how Human Resources at different places still discriminate against people, and one topic that struck me hard was the fact that they still avoid hiring Moms. The story mentioned having the company rep walk out with the candidate all the way to their car to see if they could notice a baby seat or booster chair in the car. Really? People still do that? What a world we live in, huh?

I am doing my part to take away that stigma as well. I talk about being a working mom to everyone at work. They can see how being a mom does not take away from the quality of work I do. They can see I have no qualms about asking for a day off because I need to take my child to a doctor’s appointment, or the dentist, or leave early to go to their holiday recital, because I can still come back the next day and work just as hard to make up for my time. I actually think I work harder BECAUSE I am a MOM, because I know I will take time off, or call in sick when my child is not well, so I make sure my business is taken care off before I leave or in case I can’t come in. And many other Moms and Dads have done the same here in the Bay Area where I live. Coming from Texas and to Northern California I was able to see how the culture over here was much more family friendly. And this did not happen over night. This happened because of people talking and writing about their family life, making it a priority to have certain accommodations, not being ashamed of putting family ahead of work.

I make mention of this because I feel a lot more people would relate to fighting for work/life balance then they would about something more specific to me or my family.

TIME Magazine - Are you Mom enough? May 2012

Back in May, not long after the famous (and for some, the “infamous”) cover photo of TIME with the breastfeeding Mom and the article about “attachment parenting”, I read a criticism about the image and its effect on the child in it when he grew up. The article spoke about how this child may some day be a regretful adult looking back at this picture, wishing it had never happened. Maybe so, but maybe not.

Parenting.com - Pop Culture- May 2012

These parents (and I don’t only mention the Mom as both Dad and Mom agreed to the publication) have strong opinions about attachment parenting, and about how they feel the message needs to be out there, that it is OK to breastfeed past a certain age, and the important bonding that occurs, etc. etc. I will withhold my own opinions about attachment parenting, as that is not the point of my mentioning it. What IS the point is that I am confident that with such strong beliefs they will continue to talk about how they parent and how they decided to speak out about it, and this child may very well be a very proud adult that decides to also follow attachment parenting and continue to be a “poster-adult” for the cause.

That is how I feel about talking and writing publicly about what my family faces every day because of our ADHD. I say “our” even though I don’t have ADHD, but when 3 out of 4 in my family have it is like I have it too.

I have written about how my husband was diagnosed with ADHD since he was a baby (yes, it was that obvious and severe with him!). I have also written about how hard it was for both him and I to notice the same symptoms in my daughter since she was little, and then finally face the music and get her evaluated and diagnosed. The every day things are still hard, but once you have gotten as far as getting informed and getting diagnosed, the rest is a lot easier. My son has also recently gotten evaluated and diagnosed as ADHD, but this time around it wasn’t as emotional or hard to take.

I have also learned to talk with my kids’ teachers about what accommodation they need and what they don’t, and I happen to be very proud of the fact that they will talk to people about their symptoms and how they cope with them in a very informed and nonchalant fashion. Why should they act any other way?

I have admitted before that I was afraid to get my daughter diagnosed because I was afraid of having her be labeled, but after getting much more informed and weighing the pros and cons, if a label is what they need to get the accommodations they deserve and for their self-esteem not to suffer as much then so be it.

Many ADHD posts on my own blog, So Perf!

We live in an imperfect world, and it is up to us to change it. In a perfect world people wouldn’t care if you are a Parent to make a hiring decision. In a perfect world they wouldn’t care if a 4 year old were still breastfeeding or doing it in public. In a perfect world they wouldn’t care if you were ADHD or not.

In a perfect world they would see that most parents are super multitaskers and an asset. In a perfect world we would see breastfeeding more naturally and not so shocking, regardless of age or place. In a perfect world they would notice an ADHD symptom and know exactly why it is happening and how to address it and how to even help (like giving them time and space to get over a hurdle). In a perfect world their school wouldn’t need a parent to ask for a special accommodation or plan, because they would simply know that not all kids are alike and they ALL (even those without ADHD) learn differently.

What I am doing by writing about what we as a family go through and how we handle things is what I consider my part to change this imperfect world, if only a little bit at a time.

For however long ADHD has been acknowledged, and people hear about it on TV and in newspapers, the vast majority of people know nothing more than it is a label for someone who gets easily distracted and is more active than most. And that is about as much as I knew about it for over 10 years of being with my husband, and how we suffered for that lack of knowledge. Why would I want others to go through the same struggles that ignorance causes, lack of understanding and empathy, and the heartache?

In the few years my daughter has been diagnosed, the people we interact with at her school have increased their knowledge and understanding of ADHD through us. Some parents have even taken the extremely hard step of taking their kids to get evaluated, and some even came back with an ADHD diagnosis. I think that is a major accomplishment because my daughter struggled with school, her self-esteem, and her social skills simply because we had not diagnosed her. Since then she has been doing incredibly well. Why would I want another child to suffer along several years with ADHD without the right tools to help them?

I am proud that we went to get my son evaluated a whole year sooner than my daughter. We had our suspicions about him around the same time my daughter was diagnosed, but we wanted to give him a chance to mature and either show it was just his early age or that it indeed was ADHD, but at least we did not struggle with the fear of taking him to the doctor. It was easier now that we had all the information.

ADHD is found in families, but no specific gene has yet been determined. Odds are that my grandchildren will be ADHD. In a perfect world, my kids will know so much more about this, their spouses/partners will know as well and not from my family informing them, and my grandkids will have all that my husband didn’t; understanding from others, empathy, and ready for success from the get-go.

I am working towards my perfect world.



What are you doing to help change this imperfect world?








Rossana G-A


FTC Disclaimer: I am not compensated to write this post.

Fighting for your right to get a diagnosis - the many struggles ADHDers face.

In this world we live in there are plenty of obstacles for your ADHD children, but I never imagined those obstacles would be at your Doctor’s office. I personally have been very lucky to have been in the care of very attentive health providers, but that isn’t always the case for everyone.

I was shocked to find out a co-worker of mine had been turned away from her local ADHD specialists’ office by whomever was in charge of taking appointments. I was even more upset by the reasons they used to turn her away. She is the mother of an 18-year-old boy that has had a history of forgetfulness, inattentiveness, and falling grades. Schoolteachers never asked for an ADHD evaluation, but then again ADHD kids aren’t always as easy to spot. She told me she had finally worked up the courage to get her son evaluated when she heard me talking about my husband and my daughter and how different things are now that we know what we are dealing with and have implemented tools to help address our issues. She felt there was hope for her and her son, about to start college, and that what she thought would be a terribly difficult journey could somehow be made less so if diagnosed properly.

With a brand new attitude she went on the search for a specialist. She mustered up the courage to call, and when asked the normal questions of the reason to get an appointment, the person on the phone kept attempting to persuade her to desist from an appointment. The main reason she was given over and over? “Your son is too old to be ADHD!!” “What??, But I have been told ADHD doesn’t go away! It is not cured, only managed! What do you mean he is too old?” “If your son has made it this far without being diagnosed, then he isn’t” “Isn’t there a chance they never caught it?” “Maybe, but those odds are slim. Teachers know how to catch these things. It doesn’t sound like your son would benefit from seeing the doctor”.

Insist to have the Doctor see you!

I was a bit more than upset when I heard the story. I have been up to my eyeballs in articles and research papers for the past 2 years reading how so many adults have gone undiagnosed. They lead troubled lives, suffering from depression, mood swings, addiction, all because they were never diagnosed. And this one person is doing all in their power to add one more young man to the list, simply because he didn’t cause enough havoc in school. 

I am not an expert, and I have not met this young 18-year-old boy, so I cannot say if he is indeed ADHD, but neither has this person on the other side of the phone.

To those people out there thinking “my child could be ADHD” or “my spouse could be ADHD” or even “maybe I am ADHD”, please don’t let the naysayers stop you from getting the proper attention you need. If it isn’t ADHD, maybe you can still benefit from a Doctor taking a look at the symptoms and giving you another diagnosis or provide additional help.

Hold to your guns, and ask for the appointment. If the Doctor has availability to take new patients, and you have all your required paperwork (insurance and the like),  there should be no reason to turn you away.

To all those working in Doctor’s offices: You are not the doctor, and working in their office for however much time does not make you one. Please don’t stop patients from getting the help they need and want.

What are some of your Doctor's Office pet peeves?

Rossana G-A




FTC Disclaimer: I am not compensated to write this post.

Not with my kid you don't!

Being the parent of an ADHD child and the spouse of an ADHD adult I can say with confidence I have learned to be more patient and understanding. That has transcended over to other aspects of my life. I am now more patient and understanding with other people, because I practice it so much at home, and also because I truly believe you should do on to others what you would have others do on to you.

And then there are the things I wish others would STOP doing on to me/us. I say this understanding that many times these actions are not with ill intention, but rather due to lack of knowledge. I also know that many parents wish other people would follow their same parenting rules, but when it comes to children with ADHD, not doing so has dier consequences.

Children in general need consistency, but children with ADHD depend on this to thrive.

Here are a few examples:

• "Your Dad said you needed to do homework at 3:30pm, but since you are still playing we can wait till 4:30pm". 
• Wrong- This will only lead a child to break a pattern already established, which took weeks if not months to establish, with no lack of complaints. You have now invited more complaints at home that will go something like this "but so-and-so let me wait till 4:30pm", then come 4:30 pm they will complain about not being able to do whatever other activity they had become accustomed to doing.

• "Your Mom said you couldn't eat oranges or applesauce at school? You are not allergic and they are healthy? Here, have some!"
• Wrong- All ADHD medication is absorbed less into the system if in combination with high does of vitamin C. This means the medication will not last as long, and the child will be without medication for the rest of the day. You do not want to see my child without medication! Just ask her 1st grade teacher!

• "Your Dad doesn't let you jump on the bed at home, but you can do it here".
• Wrong- This doesn't apply to just jumping on the bed, but any rule a parent has implemented at home with an ADHD child. Once they break a rule/pattern, regardless in the company of whom, they will insist on doing it again, and the way an ADHD child insists is not something you want to be present for. And you think that saying "you can do it here" helps?? Oh no!! That doesn't stay with them. That disappeared from their consciousness as fast as you were finished saying it. All they know now is they can do it, and do it they will.

• "Your Mom should buy you that sugary cereal! My kids ate it when growing up and they grew up just fine" (very common from older people walking by us at the supermarket cereal aisle). 
• Wrong- An ADHD child is hyper enough. You don't need added sugars to aid in that. Also, ADHD medication is appetite suppressive, and it is very hard to keep your child well fed. Why feed them all the wrong stuff when they DO want to eat?

Nobody likes others questioning their parenting, but with ADHD children its not a matter of liking it, you are flushing down the toilet what was long and stressful days of hard work and consistency. It isn't easy for an ADHD parent to remain steadfast, but the people around us aren't making it any easier. Knowledge is power, so I do my best to inform people about ADHD. Maybe the people I am informing are not the people making things harder for my kid, but maybe, just maybe, I have helped them to avoid making those mistakes with other kids. Those other kids may not be ADHD, but I'm betting those parents would appreciate you following their rules.

Do you break other parents' rules?




Rossana G-A





FTC Disclaimer: I am not compensated to write this post.

A few tricks to keep your ADHD kid on track

Who has not seen a child fumbling around trying to find where they left that toy, or their backpack, or their left shoe? Add to that the emotions that come with it, and you have a child angry, crying, or yelling about the misplaced item. The added frustration with an ADHD child is that this episode repeats 20 times a day, sometimes 20 times an evening, and an ADHD child is quicker to let out all those emotions. As the parent/caregiver you also feel frustrated by the frequency and the outbursts.

Most kids need consistency and routine. A kid with ADHD needs it even more. Establishing a pattern of activities, and giving your child as many tools to help them accomplish them all, can lead to a less chaotic home. Yes, I said less, because in an ADHD world, chaos comes with the territory.

• Tasks lists are your friends- 
• I have a list in big poster sized paper in almost every room my kid has chores or activities. It has gone a long way for her to have these reminders all over the place.
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1. In her bedroom listing step by step what to do when she gets up in the morning, and step by step what to do when it’s time to go to bed. 

2. Another list by the front door listing out what she needs to do make sure she has with her before she leaves for school, and what to do the moment she walks back in after school. 

3. Another list by the dinning room table listing how to set the table, and what to do when it is time to clean up after each meal. 

4. I also have a list in the bathroom sink listing out what to do before her shower, and what to do right after she steps out. 

5. I even have a waterproof board inside the shower listing out what to wash first.
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(You can buy it on Amazon.com)

• She is now doing more things out of the house, so we have made her lists mobile by adding them to her iTouch calendar and having them alert her when certain chores or activities should be done, like homework time.

• Timing is everything, so time everything you can-
• As I mentioned, my daughter has a calendar on her iTouch that alerts her when something needs to be done, and that is a start. To continue on with that she needs a timer to show her how much time she has to complete a tasks to keep her on track. 

1. She has a timer her teacher sets up for her at school when completing activities. 

(Image from http://www.timetimer.com/)

2. She has another one on her iTouch that we use when she is doing homework or reading, or completing a particular chore. 

3. She even has a timer in the shower, so she knows she can’t play around too much.

(You can buy it on Amazon.com)

• Reward good behavior – 
• It is a major accomplishment for an ADHD child to stay focused and complete a task. It takes a lot of effort, and with a young child, it takes even more. When they do cross that finish line, praise them, give them a treat, or allow a special reward. It doesn’t have to be a big thing, as long as it is meaningful to them.

• Patience and understanding – 
• It will take a lot of reminders from you to have them look back at that list or see how much time is left on that clock. It will also mean sometimes the time runs out and they haven’t finished, or that they skipped a task on the list without noticing. This happens more often than anyone could care to count. When this happens, don’t be to hard on them or on yourself.

Helping your child learn these tools will help them cope better as they grow into their teens and into adulthood.

What strategies do you use to keep your kids on top of chores and homework?



Rossana G-A


FTC Disclaimer: I am not compensated to write this post.

Patience and ADHD: Try, try, and try again.

I admit it, I have gotten a traffic ticket for speeding when I’ve actually been speeding, and yet I feel upset at it. I have missed a train because I got up late, and been upset. I have forgotten to take cash out of the ATM, and go to the cash only vendor, and get upset. I have gotten upset at a fair amount of things that were completely in my power to avoid. So, I get over it.

 (old picture of her from 2008, upset, but still super cute)

This is not the same with ADHD people. How ever you want to paint this picture, it is not completely in their control to avoid most situations that cause them to be upset.

A perfect example happened just this weekend with my little girl. She has the tendency to tear off the foam on the NERF darts my son has for his nerf gun. 

She has done this more than once. She has gotten in trouble for it before. She will get in trouble again. It is like that uncontrollable urge we all have to pop those plastic bubbles on bubble wrap. 

This is an uncontrollable urge for her. Add how easily distracted she can get while watching TV in her room, how readily available the darts are since her brother shares a room with her and plays with them constantly, and how mindlessly she will grab one without even looking at it and start peeling the foam off.

So, her brother saw this, yet again, and yelled at her for destroying one of his toys. Dad came over super upset, yet again, and scolded her for not obeying his instructions to never do it again (for the 20^th time).

How is this different from any other kid getting in trouble for doing what they were told not to? The difference is that other kids have an inner monologue that happens in a matter of seconds that goes something like this: 

-This is what I want to do, but it isn’t right. I’ve gotten in trouble before and I didn’t like it. It isn’t worth the trouble to do it again.-

So they refrain from this act. 

Kids with ADHD have a different inner monologue, that happens in even less time from thought to action, and goes something like this: 

-This is what I want to do. Let’s do it. How fun it is to do this. Wait, wasn’t this something I did before that got me in trouble? Oh look, I’m doing something I like to do, let’s keep doing this.-

Yes, I am exaggerating, and sometimes they do get to the part where they remember they indeed aren’t supposed to do it and will stop, but that almost always is after they already started doing whatever it is they weren’t supposed to do. Typical reaction is to hide the evidence because this is not the first time, nor the second, but the 10^th, 20^th 30^th time they have done it, and they are no dummies and know Mom, Dad, teacher will not let it go unpunished. Survival of the fittest/dog-eat-dog mentality.

So, as a parent of an ADHD child, I need to keep my wits about me (challenging when things like this happen several times a day), still punish bad behavior but in a calm fashion, and also attempt to discuss the Cause/Effect of her actions.

Her punishment was for her to take some of the money she had saved and give it to her brother so he can replace the destroyed toy. Fair enough, right? Not to her!! And cue the water works. Yes, she destroyed the toy, yes she understands she needs to replace it, but that does not mean it doesn’t hurt her deeply to let go of her long saved money intended for other things she has been dreaming about. And here again we have another example of how the ADHD comes out and completely bypasses self-control of emotions. Sure, plenty of kids will be upset when they get punished, but an ADHD child is more likely to have what other people may consider and overly emotional reaction to a small thing.

A trying moment for both parent and child, but resilience is a trait most kids have, and most ADHD kids master with the proper guidance. I make sure to re-assure her I understand it wasn’t her intention to hurt her brother with her actions, nor to upset Mom and Dad with disobeying. I also, calmly, re-emphasize that our actions have consequences and that we must accept them with our best foot forward.

And she bounces back rather quickly, with the same upbeat attitude she has always had since a tiny tot. 

(November 2007, and the signs were there. The camera can't catch up to her).

This will be an episode that will run over and over in her life with many different actions causing negative consequences, but since repetition and patterns are what ADHD people need, hopefully we will repeatedly show her to calmly expect those consequences, and hopefully somewhere along the line she will also have that moment of inner monologue saying:  

-This is what I want to do. Let’s do it. Wait, I’ve done this before and it was wrong. Let’s NOT do it.-

Maybe the next 5 times she sees a NERF dart she will still destroy it, but maybe the 6th time she will stop and remember.

I am not ADHD. I do not know what thoughts she may have in her head when she does this, or what feelings she has when she is crying inconsolably over her punishment, and I don’t claim to. I do know I could kick myself for my last traffic ticket. I know that I needed my space after the ticket to get over it, and remembering that is what makes me understand that she needs her own space to get over her things too. And I am here to support her through it if she needs me. When she needs me.

It is not a perfect situation to be living with ADHD, but so far we try and try and try, and we will keep on trying, because that is what we do in this family.

What strategies do you use when facing kids' misbehavior? 

Rossana G-A

FTC Disclaimer: I am not compensated to write this post.

Married to ADHD

If you think marriage is hard, try marrying someone with ADHD. Forgive me if I start stereotyping, because I will, but men forget important dates all the time and having ADHD just increases the odds even more.

Important dates are just the tip of the iceberg. What about forgetting to pick up some milk? Or forgetting to get his own dry-cleaning? So you adapt. You send reminders through e-mail or text, but not too many because then (God forbid) you are nagging. And then when you think you have a system going, you find out he forgot his smart phone and has not gotten any texts or read any e-mail (even if he could check from his work computer) because he was too busy at work.

AAaaaaarrrrgggggg!!!!!

But stop!! Don’t go for the rolling pin or the cast iron pan just yet.

You may ask, ”what is ADHD, and why does it affect marriage?”

Let’s start with the first part of that. What is ADHD?

According to CHADD (Children and Adults with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder), ADHD it is, "Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a neurobiological disorder characterized by developmentally innapropriate impulsivity, innatention, and in some cases, hyperactivity".


Usually diagnosed in childhood, it is difficult for most people to understand the difference between a regular kid (active, rambunctious, with a short attention span), and one with ADHD. The quick answer is that for someone with ADHD is "so pervasive and persistent that it interferes with their daily lives at home, at school....and in social settings".

Let’s continue with the second part of the original question. Why does it (ADHD) affect marriage?

Let me quote CHADD once again and state " without appropriate identification and treatment, ADHD can have serious consequences, including school failure, depression, conduct disorder, failed relationships, and substance abuse".


Evaluation is the first step.

I have been approached by several women that know my husband is ADHD and ask for advice. Most of them suspect their spouse has ADHD as well, but the spouse doesn't acknowledge it and/or refuses to get diagnosed. In a majority of cases, the spouse takes offense at the idea of blaming their marital issues on something like ADHD. I partly agree. I DON'T blame ADHD, but knowing my husband is ADHD and understanding more about what ADHD is has helped me understand him better.

I have to say that I am a very lucky woman because I married a great man. He puts great effort into doing what he can to mitigate the effects of his ADHD. He was diagnosed very early in life, but we didn’t know then what we know now about ADHD, and he really didn’t go beyond taking medication. Medication is a great tool, but it almost always fails to yield significant results in the long run if taken alone and no other efforts made. Because of that, my husband stopped taking medication in his mid-teens, continued to struggle in school and at work, not to mention our own relationship. He started back up with treatment about 5 years ago, after 10 years of being together, over 6 years of marriage, and when we had 2 kids under the age of 3. A very crucial point in our lives.

He has made great strides since he went back for treatment. His doctor had him try a few medications since the first ones were not a good fit for him. We have moved a few times, and have changed doctors a few times as well, and he has now been on one particular one, Vyvanse, for close to 4 years now and has little to no complaints. Still, we have taken other steps to insure success, and we are still on that road.

Some rules we try to follow to make every day life easier:

• We follow certain routines to reduce forgetfulness – a few examples:
• Always check what groceries are needed on certain days and write them down on a list (writing them down as you noticed has proven to be too difficult as little distractions step in between him and the piece of paper).
• Always have dinner at a certain hour, so there are no complaints that he is too busy to come to the table.
• Always place car keys in the same spot. In the house it’s on top of a bowl on the front door table. On his person, always in his right front pocket of whatever jacket or pants he is wearing (no back pocket, no inside pocket, no left side pocket).
• Use electronic calendars and smart phones with set reminders (multiple reminder for the same task if needed) of important and/or repeating tasks.

•  We have separate checking accounts to reduce disagreements about expenses –examples of how it works.
• Shared expenses are split, like mortgage, groceries, car payments. He pays me for his half and I make sure I make the payments – ON TIME.
•  We agree on a budget for savings, outings, other agreed expenses (like a family computer). He gives me his half, and I allocate it appropriately.
• Reduce the number of credit cards or credit lines, and agree to pay off balances monthly.
• Any remaining amount in his account he can spend at his leisure.
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• Some concessions:.
• I have learned to be OK with the occasional jacket on a dinning room chair or living room sofa.
• Clean dishwasher dishes don’t have to be put away immediately if there are no dirty dishes to put in it.
• He doesn’t fold laundry, as long as he makes an effort to put it away once I’m done folding it.
• He has agreed to keep my kitchen clean ALWAYS.
•  I have agreed to not nag about keeping the rest of the house clean until the weekend.
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• Arguments and temper issues - This one is more of an Art than a Science, and we disagree more often than I care to count, so I have become of a Master in ARTS (and his name is Art…so pun intended).
•  When we disagree…which we do and will continue to do so…we keep our volume low. Once we start raising our voices, argument is paused and we take a break or postpone our discussion for another time.
• Sometimes emotions are hard to contain, and this applies to me as well. When emotions run high, it is OK to say, “I am getting very angry, and I need to go to my room to calm down”. This is a hard one because sometimes you don’t want to admit your got to that level. It is also hard to stop in the middle of your argument.
• We agree to a “clean fight” and no “low blows”. Once a low blow is thrown, we stop.
• When all else has failed and outbursts still occur, remember to give as much space as possible, walk away or even walk out for a good amount of time. Also keep in mind that outburst was not intentional and if it could be taken back it would.

The above are suggestions of tools that have worked for us after a lot of trial and error. Some things I didn’t list because they didn’t work for us after trying them out.

Recap:

Don’t be afraid to get diagnosed

Don’t be afraid to get a second opinion

Get treatment

Ask questions – about medications, about tools and routines

Don’t be afraid to ask for help –from your spouse, from your kids, from your parents.

Try everything at least once, and keep what works well for you.

Give yourself a break – don’t get discouraged. No one is perfect, but at least you try, and continue trying.

We have a long road ahead, and now with our 7 year old daughter having been diagnosed about a year ago, much more motivation to lead by example. It’s a hard road, no doubt about that, but a rewarding one. It’s not perfect for everyone, but it is So Perf! for us, because they are who they are, and I love them just so.

Rossana G-A

FTC Disclaimer: I am not compensated to write this post.