Married to ADHD- Whatever works!!

I have been married to my lovely ADHD husband over a decade now. We have been together for a bit over 16 years too. It is a lot of time for trial and error, and we will probably have lots more. I even think we will have a lot of this because of the nature of ADHD and how he easily grows tired of certain routines.

This has affected every aspect of our relationship, from financial to child rearing. We tried joint accounts where one managed expenses, then the other, and then finally separate accounts but shared monthly expenses and savings. We did breakfast duties him and dinner duties me, and switched, and then switched back. 

He would love to wear this shirt.

Something I haven’t been able to get rid of is the title of “Queen Nagger”. Surprisingly enough, I let a ton of things go simply because I am not insane and I know it doesn’t work to keep asking for it to get done. It only creates conflict. And yet I am the bad guy for reminding him that the leaves and branches he promised to take rake and take to the trash will not miraculously disappear after 3 months.

So what is a none ADHD wife to do with an ADHD husband?? Whatever works!!

My current strategy was to make an overly analyzed work chart, showing what each one usually does around the house and with the kids, how long it takes, and how many hours it adds up to. I finally had facts to reason with him. I could show how he indeed was doing a lot, but how much he wasn’t that he said he would, and who was picking up the slack because they were shared tasks. 

He refuses to clean toilets, so I do it.

No.1 thing I eliminated was shared duties. I did not want to be the warden in a jail telling him what to do and when to do it. I also didn’t want to feel annoyed that I was doing more than my share when he promised otherwise. I charted exactly what he was to be solely responsible for and what where mine.

He gets annoyed with folding clothes, so I do it.

No, it wasn’t an instant win. He actually argued how unfair it was that they weren’t shared. Why did he have to take out the trash every time?? Because I wash the clothes, clean the toilet, and mop the floors every time!! Wanna trade?? Didn’t think so! It wasn’t easy, and I didn’t give him attitude about it either. I presented the plan. We discussed it a few times, we argued a few others, and after a few more days to let him think about it I think we have come to an agreement. The key word here is “I think”, because he never actually admitted to it, he just started doing the things assigned to him on my chart. But that is all I need, for now. 

He actually doesn't mind taking out the trash, but he forgets.

No arguments yet. We have had a good few weeks doing this. We have managed to keep our place looking nice.

Now, we have to wait for school to start up again for both kids and him (he is in the middle of his Ph.D.), and hopefully we can keep this up. If not, then we switch it up again. Whatever works!!! Had I said that already??


How do you divide chores and tasks with your significant other?




Rossana G-A


FTC Disclaimer: I am not compensated to write this post.

Mrs. and Mr. Jane Doe - Are you taking her name?

Image from Wedding Photography Ink

I was sitting at my Doctor's office today and while I waited to be seen (for almost 90 minutes, but who is counting) I read a very though provoking article on Parenting magazine about changing your last name after marriage. "What is so though provoking about changing your name after marriage?" you may ask, and the spin on it is that it was written by a man. He went on to note how his grandmother told him "I'm gonna kill you" after they announce Mr. and Mrs. "insert wife's family name here". He also noted how credit card companies made it so hard to go through this process that is so common for women, all because he was a man and something fishy had to be behind it.

Happiest Day, even without changing my name.

What struck a cord was that he also noted how men live their whole lives with the name they are given at birth, and expect that to always be so, and yet we say nothing when women don't. I understand the romanticism behind it, but I never identified with it.

I grew up in Mexico, where you have two last names. When I started college in the US I when through a lot of hurdles all to keep those names because I didn't identify with having just one. I felt I was loosing my identity. When I met my husband we talked about this long before planning our wedding, he understood that this was not about him or his name, but about mine and my identity. This was not coming from a prideful place either, because when we had kids I was the one that decided they have only his last name and not mine ( I didn't want them struggling with a hyphenated name as I had for half my life).

But my decision to keep my family name has been question many times, by many different people. More so now at my kids' school when they finally find out (I try not to mention it, but somehow it always comes out). So I do see the value of a "family" name, but all because of what others see, others who grew up in that same society where women change their names once married. My kids, who have always known Mommy doesn't have their same last name, don't care, or they actually do but they care that I keep my last name because "it is your name Mommy! why would you change it to ours?" 

From the mouth of babes!

To each their own. But not everyone agrees with "to each their own". Why would it be such a big deal for a man to change their name once married? This man wanted for the whole family to have the same name, and so their kids would take on his wife's family name. He was teased with such comments as "should we address you as Mrs. and Mr. [insert wife's name here]?" Well, why not?

I would never ask my husband to change his name, for the same reason he didn't ask me to change mine, but why should anyone care if he did.

I won't preach to my children in one direction or another, as I want them to form their own opinion and decide for themselves. At the same time, I would support my daughter if she chose to change her name or if she chose to keep it, and I would do the same for my son. He should not have to fear ridicule or extra hurdles just for changing his last name.

If men can be Nurses, Nannies, Stay at Home Dads, and society accepts them, why can't we accept a simple name change? Any Man that decides to blaze their own trail regardless of gender roles deserves to wear the "SuperMan" ring in my book.

What do you think about men taking their wives' last name?

Rossana G-A




FTC Disclaimer: I am not compensated to write this post.

License to lose it!

Giving myself license to act crazy, because I'm usually not so much.

For me, as the wife of one ADHD adult and mother of one ADHD child, it can be very frustrating to see over and over the same issues come up. Being the one that is constantly reminding them of things they need to do before they become problems can appear to be nagging, and yet if I don’t remind them they don’t do it and I get called out for not reminding them. Really?!?!

OK, so I wear that badge, “I’m the nagger”. And I also wear that badge; “I count to 100” to not get upset when they get upset at me. I do it because I know it is a lot easier for me to do than it is for them. It is a lot easier for me to remember for them, and in turn remind them. It is a lot easier for me to contain my impulses and emotions than it is for them.

And yet, I would do them a disservice to not expect that they try, even when it doesn’t come easy. I know that I do these things for them because I am the wife and the mother, and I love them. Others, why would they be ok with their forgetfulness or their outbursts? Yes, I want to work for a future where people know more about ADHD and understand how hard it is for ADHDers to do certain things, but they [ADHDers] also have to know those deficits and work every day at getting just a tad bit better at them.

I feel most days I am the only sane one in the household because everyone else is acting crazy, as my non ADHD 6 year old has an excuse of his own, he is 6 and can’t really cope as well with the chaos and simply joins in. No, I am not a saint, and I do not have tons of patience. It doesn’t come naturally to me to be so forgiving, and it doesn’t come naturally to repeat myself over and over.

My life before knowledge of the ADHD world was very different. I was constantly fighting with my husband over what I thought was his lack of interest in our conversations as he would forget. His forgetfulness caused not only arguments but also money issues. Nobody wants to get charged a late fee because someone forgot to pay on time. I have yet to find someone that wants to waste money on food that will spoil because you bought something you already had and didn’t consume it all in time. And yet I knew he was trying. I didn’t know how his hardest efforts still resulted in such a poor outcome, and I thought he wasn’t giving his all.

But oh what motherhood brought. I could tell my daughter really wanted to learn how to read. She would ask me time and time again for me to read her books. She would pretend she could read them since she was 3 years old. When she finally got to the point in school where they were learning to read words and then sentences she could not contain her excitement. And then at home she could not make it through a page without getting distracted or frustrated that she had forgotten what a combination of letters would sound like. I knew something was off. I knew she really wanted this, and yet she couldn’t manage to get there. What should have been a 10-minute reading assignment turned into hours with breaks as I knew she needed them. That is one of many examples, and more are yet to come up as she continues in school.

I have touched on these issues before, but many people have asked me how I do it. Me!! Not how they get through it, but how I swim along side them in their fight against the rapids. That is how I get to this part. The “HOW I DO IT”. I do it by constantly reminding myself that they will get better outside our home if we can keep practicing inside our home. I remind myself of all the times they thank me for saving them form forgetting an important document or homework. I remind myself that entering that electronic calendar entry for them made them get to their appointment on time. But the most important part, the one that all relatives of ADHDers should also do, is remind your ADHDers that you are also working hard and you may also lose your temper once in a while, and you may also forget once in a while. You may also choose NOT to deal with it one moment or one day because it is THAT HARD. And they should understand you with as much patience and love as you understand them.

I am most certainly not perfect, and I do want to run out of my home pulling at my hair and screaming my lungs out almost once a day if not more often. I give myself license to do just that once in a while. It has even turned into a joke in my household. “Mommy is screaming and turning red now, we must really have done it this time!!”. And then they bring me something comforting (after letting me cool down), like some ice-cream, a loving apology letter, or when it was a doozy a stiff drink. They get practice at putting up with Mommy more often than I would like to admit. And in my household, we have mastered the art of walking away to calm down and being ok with that. Never underestimate the power of alone time!

All four of us are crazy

I try to see it as putting up with each other. And since we do it so often, we do it so well now. In our ADHD household, practice doesn’t make perfect, but practice makes habit and that makes life easier.

Do you give yourself license to lose it once in a while? 

Rossana G-A




FTC Disclaimer: I am not compensated to write this post.

I reserved the right to change my mind.

I have known my husband for 16 years now, and we have been married for almost 11 years. He brought me a rose every time he visited me when we were courting (yes, he courted me, because that is how old fashioned we both grew up). He started out buying me jewelry as well, but we were both in college as we met very young, and I did not want him to worry about having to buy me anything when all we needed was to simply be together so I told him to stop. Romantic cards and letters won me over, and still do.

Over the years he still has gotten me special gifts, but I again insisted he desists. I thought I was being practical, but I see I robbed him of the option. I am still not the type of woman that wants flowers every day, or expensive jewelry at every special occasion, but today I received a special anniversary present and I couldn't be more thrilled.

We picked it out together because I can be hard to shop for, but I was terribly surprised at how excited I got after finally receiving it and having him place it on my finger.

So fine, I had said in my youth flowers were wasteful and jewelry was frivolous, but I changed my mind. Romantic gestures are not as overrated as I had thought. Receiving this today felt amazing. Bring on the flowers and the special gifts. Romance is needed even more as the years go by, and it works.

What type of romantic gifts win you over?

Rossana G-A



FTC Disclaimer: I am not compensated to write this post.

A Family Affair – teaching others about ADHD

After 4 years of being unable to go back to our hometown to visit family due to work, we finally made it out there. Personally I missed being around all of them.  Childhood stories were re-told and old family dynamics arose. Overall the visit was a good one, but given the ADHD in my 4-member family, it had its fair amount of hiccups.

A visit to Carlsbad Caverns - Note to self: avoid long trips looking at somewhat monotonous things with people that have limited attention spans.

One of the things that I appreciate about being away from family is that we have the freedom to workout our inner ADHD issues without fear of judgment (however unintentional it may be). Living with an ADHD person means acceptance, patience, understanding and forgiveness. These are not easy to achieve, and a sense of appropriateness can creep in and make it even more difficult to keep level headed. I saw myself feeling protective and even defensive of my husband’s and daughter’s behavior, but also felt I had to protect other relatives from them. Not an enviable position to be in. I have become accustomed to how my two ADHDers behave, and it is easier to explain them away to strangers than it is to family.

I caught myself explaining multiple times why my daughter would get overly excited before breakfast (i.e. before medication since we want her to have a good meal before the appetite suppression kicks in as a side effect), and why she would be irritable come a certain time of the afternoon (when the medication was running out). And since medication does not control all ADHD symptoms, I also found myself apologizing to relatives over random outbursts. But a child’s behavior is somewhat easier to explain than an adult’s, and more so when for years family has not associated any of this with ADHD. It is easy to feel like I am giving a brand new excuse to an old problem. Looks of “here we go again” were common to see, and I don’t blame them at all, but I don’t see ADHD as a problem but a challenge.

We have certainly needed to re-work how we interacted with relatives to avoid bigger issues. Since my husband is new to using ADHD recommended tools and guides, he has an extremely hard time regulating himself. It is even harder to do around family, as old habits are easy to fall into. He gets easily irritated over the same things that irritated him as a boy or a teenager, and although he is aware of it now we both feel it is better to limit our exposure so bigger issues don’t arise.

High pitch sounds/noises trigger the worst in both my kids (more so in my son who we still have not taken to get diagnosed), and in my husband. This sound sensitivity is not unique to ADHD, but a very common occurrence. Still, being around tons of young cousins/nieces/nephews as well as high-pitched laughs (very common of all our family get-togethers) were tests for all of us, and we passed just barely.

Family is very important to us, but not everyone is knowledgeable of ADHD issues, maybe not as receptive to us trying to provide this information, or even possibly stuck in old ways. 

We enjoyed our time with family more than words can express, and all 4 of us are learning to adapt ourselves, but we are leaving little tidbits of information about ADHD to our family as well. When people interact it is a two way street, but when it comes to ADHD most of the work comes from the ADHDers. Hopefully the world will learn more about ADHD as my kids grow up, but for now it is up to us to inform those around us.

For our next visit we will not let another 4 years pass by for sure, as the good times outweigh the challenges, and we will be better prepared for those with every passing day.

Are old habits hard to overcome when you see family?

Rossana G-A



FTC Disclaimer: I am not compensated to write this post.